winding up/crashing

It's the end of the semester, and we're moving to Sacramento. It sounds so simple. It sounds so easy. But it is neither simple, nor easy.

It is more like one of those commercials for a suspense movie or tv drama. Will our heroes manage to get the money together in time, despite the slowing of the post office due to holiday overflow? Will they manage to pack everything they need into Sean's tiny little truck? Will the cats and the dog all have to travel together, causing two cat aneurisms and a potential human one? Will the Christmas presents get bought in time? Will our heroes finish everything they have to do for finals?

I haven't written anything here about the cat situation. In a nutshell: we now have four cats because my ex decided to move into a pet-free apartment and was threatening to send the two I left behind when I left him to certain death-by-coyote. He wanted to release one of the two into the wilds of Jamul, in East County San Diego. Would I be willing to come get the other? Ugh. It was, to put it mildly, an ordeal. And I wouldn't have been able to do it at all if his aunt hadn't volunteered to pay for the trip. And I hold him directly responsible for our financial problems now, since it's her check that's taking it's sweet time getting to my bank (I have to mail my deposits), so we don't have enough money at the moment to give our new landlord both our deposit and our first month's rent.

Frustrated. Very stressed, and very frustrated.

BOOM BABY

Amid other stressful factors, I have a victory of epic proportions; I won NaNoWriMo. I, your humble and for years now almost completely writers' blocked friend, wrote 50,000 words in 30 days. I have most of the first draft of a novel completed. Yeah baby!

little freakout

Yep, had a little freakout sitting in the car when we got to school this morning.

Sean's mom and step-dad got here yesterday.

I didn't sleep well, combination of tension from their presence and them letting the dogs out at 6am. One of their dogs is in love with our dog, and the other barks constantly as the first two play and play. They were separated for the night, until Sean's mom let them all out. I'm sure the neighbors just love us now.

I think my endurance is getting worn down most by Sean's attitude to his mother. He needs her approval. He presents everything to her in this timid way, sort of hedging and uncertain, and she just jumps all over it. And because he has to try to win her approval, I feel like I do too. God, I am so sick of living in her house. He might not be so servile if he didn't feel so beholden to her.

I wrote a story a while back that had as one subplot a woman who was engaged to a man ruled by his mother. It was very clear to me then that the woman had to get out of that relationship. Now I look back and I ask myself if that was some sort of prophecy.

I don't know how I'd feel if I got out of this relationship. I wonder if I'd just be using the mom thing as an excuse. Sometimes I still think I'd be better off on my own, and that I want my alone time. I know I don't want to be enmeshed in this family--I do not like them. But then part of me knows that leaving Sean would be this huge mistake. How much of that is fear of hurting him? I hate the fact that I had to hurt Ben. He didn't deserve it. Sean doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I just want to live my life my way, and at the moment, that isn't remotely possible.

I've tried to talk to Sean about the attitude he takes with his parents (he's very submissive with his father, too). He gets defensive with me. I don't know anymore whether I'm being reasonable or not. How do I deal with my parents? Well, they have no authority over me. I don't try to please my father at all. Gave up a long time ago with that. It took me a lot longer to stop worrying about displeasing my mother, but I think I'm there. I think I have been for a couple of years. In any case I know I'm not submissive with her. She complained when we first went there that I was being aggressive, in fact (and I dialed it down as a result, I do care about her feelings). But I see myself as an adult. I see my parents' flaws. I don't need them to put some stamp of approval on my decisions and actions because I don't particularly think they have a better handle on life and the world than I do. And Sean and I have talked a lot about his parents, and their flaws. Their qualities, too, but the point is he doesn't want to live the same life as them. And yet it's like he still needs to get permission for everything. Every little thing. And if his mother decrees something, he goes along with it. He never disagrees. Maybe he doesn't actually do it later, but it's like she couldn't handle being contradicted. She must be appeased at all costs.

I've fucking had enough. I don't do it for anyone else, why should I do it for her? Except that I don't want to make things hard on Sean.

In the pack order of his family, Sean is at the lowest rung. And with us, I think I let him be pack leader. And I wonder if this is all a power thing. They dominate him, so he has to be dominant with me. He makes most of the decisions. I let him because most of the time it's easier than arguing, and I don't really mind doing things his way; it's not like he chooses a bad way to do things. If anything, he's more on top of certain issues than I am, like our finances. It's nice to have someone else dealing with it.

But, it means I'm not doing things my way, and then when things are shitty, that becomes a really big problem for me. I don't know what the solution is, other than to leave, since talking about it with him only seems to make him miserable, and me frustrated, and nothing changes. In just our relationship, I don't know how to shift the balance so I have more say, because I've tried before, and it just takes us to this sniping, argumentative place. So do I give up, or try not to let things get to me? I hate thinking I'm putting up with crap after going through what I did to get out of the crap of my marriage.

Things go pretty well as long as his family is a certain distance away. I let him make the decisions and we get along fine. So once his mother and step-father leave, we should go back to getting along fine. When we move this winter and finally have our own place, things will be better. And I've been trying to just be patient, and not make any major decisions about our relationship until we've settled in to our new place.

One really great thing is that we're going to Sacramento. I was agonizing over going to Sonoma, and we talked a lot about it, and we decided to go to Sac. That is such a relief, because it will work so much better for me. It means Sean will be in his program a lot longer, though. Maybe two or even three years. I hope that won't become a problem; it may not. He may get a lot out of it. And he says he's okay with it.

So once we're established there, and we're not living in his mother's house, maybe he won't feel like he owes her something, and he'll start having more of a backbone with her. I've worried that we'll still have a debt: they lent us their house for seven months--how do we pay them back? But maybe we'll find a way, and in any case, it's just got to stop. I really, really wish we had never taken them up on the offer. I feel like I signed a contract without reading the fine print. The contract looked good, and I came to it with a set of assumptions based on my own family's way of doing things. But the fine print was a whole different story.

In Sacramento, I want to make friends and have a life outside of Sean. At the moment, other than work, I don't. I want to have more independence. I want to have other options when he's going to visit his parents. Maybe I can find some ways to take back control of more areas of my life, too. But definitely I want a life outside of Sean. Then, I hope, I'll appreciate him more. I won't have to remind myself so often of his qualities, of why I'm with him, and what I like about him. I'll just feel good, I'll enjoy being with him.

nanowrimo

Well, it's official, I am registered:

Holidays

Okay, so I have to indulge in some selfishness here for a moment.

I am annoyed, although I'm not sure that's the right word, by the fact of having to spend the holidays with Sean's family, aka people I don't like or feel in any way connected to.

On some level, when I left Ben, I think I was relieved to be putting family holidays aside for a while, just in general. I actually liked spending holidays with Ben's family, though. They were fun. It was about gorging yourself on great food and drinking champagne and taking naps. But I think I still got bored a lot of the time, especially when my friend Carmen stopping attending the festivities after she moved to LA. So I was ready to let them go.

But I didn't get any relief from family holidays, because I got together with Sean only a few months after leaving Ben, and last year we did Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family.

And we will again this year, although the Thanksgiving holiday is particularly difficult because they want to do it on November 11 in the Bay, and I'll already be taking time off work the week before to take my CSET exam. I can't see doing it again a week later. It really irritates me that they just pick this day instead of doing it the week of Thanksgiving when no one will be surprised I can't work anyway. And I thought they'd be up here--not that I'm particularly sad that the house is not going to be overrun with people.

What it comes down to is I don't want to spend holidays with these people, particularly Sean's mother. I think I was about 18 when I decided I was never spending another holiday with my step-mother's family and it was a glorious decision I have never regretted.

And if there's one thing I learned from going through the divorce, it's that if you don't want to do something, or you do want to do something, it's better to go with what you want and blow off society and people's expectations. Because living under oppressive expectations and rules is a half-life and a waste.

So the problem is Sean. Who is sad I don't like his mother and brother. Who has pretty much always spent holidays with his family, adhered to their scheduling without question, except the year he was in Hawai'i. Which makes me want to move to Hawai'i. I went and told him I didn't particularly want to spend any more holidays with people who aren't my family and who I don't feel any connection to. I wasn't angry or bitchy about it, but I wish I'd talked to someone else because he doesn't need to hear that sort of thing. It makes him unhappy and at this point I haven't figured out a viable alternative, so what's the point?

On the one hand, and this would be the hand that remembers what a relief it was to get a divorce, it might be best to say hasta la vista to spending holidays with people I don't feel I should be obligated to in any way (except gratitude for letting me stay in their mountain cabin rent free--grimace). On the other hand, it's a fast way to make me the "hated girlfriend." I'm on thin ice as it is, I think, because his mom finds me intimidating or whatever, and because his brother doesn't like me. As it is I don't think I'll make Nov. 11, because I really can't take the time off. From there, it's not going to take much to cast me in the role of despised Other.

I think miserable holidays are an American staple. They exist in other cultures, but I think in America, it's become this known thing. You're more of an exception if you enjoy going home for the holidays. They made a movie about this, so it must be true! People have very ambivalent relationships with their families. I know this. I accept it. People even have to accept difficult in-laws. Sure. But that's the thing: this is not my family. These aren't my in-laws.

Sean and I are in a gray area. We live together. We intend to have a commitment ceremony eventually. But we are not married.

Ultimately, though, I think that's a technicality. I have nowhere else to be, but perhaps in my own home, which at the moment isn't even my own home, it's theirs anyway. I have no family locally, and no interest in spending the holidays on the east coast with my dad. I could try to go to France for Christmas, but that would require money that neither my mother nor I can spare.

It's a bind. I'd rather not go hang with Sean's family and deal with the tension and weirdness and feeling like I'm not a part of it, but I think this year at least, I had better suck it up. I'm not ready to be reviled. They are so tight knit. If I bailed, in days the phone calls would weave a net of outrage and vilification that I'd never get out of--they still think of Sean in ways they defined for him many years ago. He's changed so much since then but they can't or won't see it. And they love him. I'd just become the bad girlfriend in their minds.

After a point, I don't give a shit. But I guess I think it's a little early to let that happen. I've known them just less than a year. Maybe these holidays will be better than the last ones. Maybe not. I'll live. And maybe next year I'll figure out a way out of them.

tear down the wall

I *think* I'm getting better.

It's scary to even suggest it, like I might chase it away if I name it. But I think I am. The writing block is crumbling, a little at a time, and that is major.

I have decided (shiver) to sign up and do the NaNo contest. It's a contest that challenges you to write a 50K-word novel in the month of November. You begin November 1, and have to submit your manuscript by midnight Nov. 30. They don't read it, just do a word count and confirm whether you've "won." The point is quantity, not quality. So I hope it will once in for all make the internal critic (I have yammering in my head most of the time) shut up. Maybe not forever--I think that's impossible--but I also hope that the critic will be forever bested--gutted and powerless to stop me from writing.

And if I need a refresher I can always do the contest again next year or some November when I need another dose of intensive, bad writing to make the critic go away.

I have some ideas and I plan to do a little outlining today. I am not, traditionally, and outliner, but at this point I am ready to try all sorts of new things to get the writing going, and, I hope, making it sustainable.

try to focus on the good stuff

The depression is coming back. I'm low a lot of the time anyway, but this is the bad stuff. I have to fight it. I have to do the cbt exercises and try to keep it at bay.

Recent high points:

• Sean and I went to see John Scofield in concert on Thursday night last week. It was nice. Scofield is a guitarist who plays blues and jazz and this concert was a tribute to Ray Charles. There were two singers, both excellent.
• I'm enjoying the book I'm reading, the sequel to The Sparrow. It's called Children of God.
• I have a new, pale blue cashmere sweater that I ordered. It was $100 which is not bad for 100% cashmere. I also have some other new clothes I got when we stopped at an Old Navy on our drive back from Sonoma.
• Sean says he is open to us moving to Sacramento instead of Sonoma. This would be a relief to me as the commute I'd be doing if we lived by Sonoma worries me. Sacramento is attractive also because his sister and her husband live there and we'd probably have an easier time making friends. But I feel sad that he's giving up the program at Sonoma, which really suits him the best. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to be selfish. Of course, he doesn't want to be selfish either so that's why he's saying we can go to Sac.
• He and I are getting along a lot better. We were having a lot of arguments for a while there and we've become more conscious of how we're doing and we're trying to appreciate each other more and not be short-tempered or defensive.
• I ordered a rice-cooker which should be coming in the mail soon.
• I used my new hand-blender to make butternut squash soup for the first time the other night.
• I seem to be totally over my cold.
• We have new cell phones. That's very fun. They take pictures.
• I wrote a story for my creative writing class and the class commented on it and they liked it. It isn't finished, but I have ideas for where to go with it.
• I sent off my application materials to Project Pipeline, and two of the three people I contacted for recommendation letters have said they'll do it.
• We've totally integrated the dog and the cats--we all sleep up on the mezzanine together now. Plus, the mezzanine is a lot warmer than the bedroom we used to sleep in, so I don’t feel like we’re going to die of exposure when the snow hits anymore. Although we still need to buy a cord of wood.
• They’ve brought back Bianca, the gay character, on All My Children.
• I like most of the people I work with. A couple in particular are a lot of fun. And I enjoy taking to customers when I’m on the register. I feel less lonely and isolated after a day or two of work.
• I’ve been sticking to many of my food resolutions. I haven’t had any meat in some time. It’s actually probably time for me to eat some fish, I may be low on protein.
• Sean and I discovered vegetarian sloppy joes. I guess sloppy joes were his favorite food growing up, so this makes him very happy. They are good, and it’s nice to have another item to add to the list of things we can have for dinner.
• It’s October 17 today, so that means if we move around January 1, we have only two and a half more months until we start the next phase of our lives. I am looking forward to this. I really miss teaching, and I think once I’m working as a teacher again I’ll have an easier time feeling good. Teaching makes me feel good. It might help to try to find a way to do some kind of teaching in the mean time… dunno where or how. Actually, I decided yesterday that it would help a lot if I got some work done on my thesis. Tomorrow I have a lot of time, so here’s my goal:

Spend two hours working on the thesis, chapter 3.

new phone & food for thought

I have a cell phone. This is cause for glee. I was cellphone-less for nearly eight months. Before that, I had my cell for about a year, I think? Anyway, I was late to get on the cellphone band wagon. But then I loved it. So I missed having one like crazy, but now I do again. Glee!

I chatted with my friend Astrid (ON MY NEW PHONE) last night for a while. She raised some things for me to think about. I really admire her, and I think I'm a little in awe, because she's so incredibly insightful. Anyway, she suggested that I do some writing and thinking about motherhood, and why I want to have children, especially why now. I'd been telling her how frustrated I am that Sean and I are not in a place yet where we can have kids. She said she thinks there's subconscious stuff there. She also thinks that in my current internal debate over how to fit my program with Sean's, I should not opt for a traditional credential program. Well, she said I'd probably end up resenting Sean for it, and I think she's right, so the conclusion I take that to is that I shouldn't opt for it. And by the time she called yesterday I had pretty much decided in favor of it, so I'm glad we talked.

Some people I talk to about my issues with traditional credential programs don't seem to understand why I dislike the student teaching so much. Sean, for instance, thinks it's because I'd be bored. I would be bored. Student teaching means basically being a TA for a semester and then teaching with a mentor teacher at your side for the next. Not a bad idea for people who are starting out, but I have about 10 years of teaching experience under my belt. So yes, I'd be bored. But that's not the main problem. The main problem is that it profoundly disgusts and enrages me that people who want to be teachers get exploited that way. They aren't paid for the work that they do for that year, and they must do it full time, so having a job in addition is nearly impossible. When people train to become doctors they have to do residencies and that's fine, but they get paid for it! Plus, the salary they can expect when they are done... well, I'm sure you know a teacher isn't going to make that kind of money. A low-end beginning teacher's salary is $30K. TA's make about $8.50 an hour in most of the high schools I've worked in. So if you add that all up, for a semester of TAing and a semester of teaching, student teachers lose about $20K. And they pay tuition for the privilege, so in fact, depending on the cost of the program, they're shelling out quite a bit more. All this for a teacher's salary: $30K to begin, and if they stay in the system long enough, they can hope to one day make around $50K. It's disgusting.

So I tried, yesterday, to rationalize all of it. The best music program for what Sean wants is at CSU Sonoma, which is in a town called Rohnert Park. Rohnert Park is about 40 or so miles from the nearest school in the Bay Area, in Vallejo. Why do we care about the Bay Area? Well, honestly, we despise the Bay Area, but Project Pipeline, the program I want to do is located in two spots in the Bay Area and in Sacramento. They have a list of schools they work with and the closest one to Rohnert Park is in Vallejo. Why do I want to do Project Pipeline? Because instead of having to submit to the student teaching screw-over I'd be working full-time and paid for it while earning my credential in Saturday classes over 2 years. Anyway, Vallejo, Rohnert Park: not close together. We could live in Novato, which would mean we'd both have a 20 mile commute. And we drove over both commutes. Vallejo-Novato is not a short commute, and there's traffic. Plus, on Saturdays I'd have to drive all the way to Concord, which would probably take an hour to an hour and a half. And I hate driving. So yesterday I told myself, "Come on, be reasonable. If you do the credential at CSU Sonoma, yes, you'll suffer for a year, but it's just a year and then you'll have your credential. And there won't be any of this commuting, no Saturdays driving to Concord, you can live right next to the university or the school where you'll student teach, it'll be easy." And I had myself convinced. But then on the phone with Astrid I visualized sitting in a classroom as an observer day after day and how pissed I'd be. And she pointed out that even if I never admitted it to myself, I'd blame Sean because I chose the traditional credential to accommedate him. And I think I'd admit it to myself, I already find myself blaming him in my mind for stupid things that he either has no real control over, had nothing to do with and are my fault, or that don't matter and aren't worth my blaming him for. It's a symptom of my frustration with our current living arrangement, I think. So give me something real to blame him for and I know I'll jump all over it.

The trouble is, I see myself blaming him as I sit in my car commuting to Vallejo or Concord or Novato anyway. How do you slice away the pieces of your mind that do things like blame people for things? I wish I knew. So the issue isn't settled. Which situation is more livable, I wonder?

I've neatly avoided the whole motherhood issue so far. Astrid suggested I make lists of what being a mother means to me, so I'll start with that.

Mothering is:
- caring for a kid in mundane ways: meals, baths, dressing warmly enough; having a daily schedule we usually stick to, except for special occasions.
- adapting to avoid any allergies.
- taking to the doctor and dentist.
- administering any necessary medicines.
- reading stories before bed, and singing songs.
- going for walks with the dog.
- having birthday parties and play dates with other children.
- helping with learning to read, and later with homework.
- calm, firm discpline; rules for structure and safety.
- maybe going to a church, most likely Unitarian, so he or she can learn about spirituality.
- affection but also allowing a child to be angry with me, or to reject me when necessary.

Being a mother means:
- being responsible.
- patient.
- firm.
- having a sense of humor.
- being comforting.
- encouraging.
- taking pride in a child's achievements.
- giving support.
- trying to understand what he or she is going through; empathy.
- being in charge.
- teaching.
- moments of fear for their safety.
- frustration when they make decisions I don't agree with.
- having to say no.
- having to be strong on days I feel like crap.
- disappointments? I'm not sure. Disappointments come from expectations, and I'm not sure I'd have a lot of expectations that could be disappointed. I suppose if my child liked hurting animals, but then it would be worse than disappointment.
- making sacrifices.
- being tired probably.

Some of the reasons for why I want this right now:
- I've waited and waited to have a child. I've wanted a child since I was a child myself--how and why has changed but the desire for a child really hasn't. When others I knew started having children in their 20s I couldn't, because my situation with my ex just made it impossible. And I don't regret that so much because one of the reasons the divorce happened as smoothly as it did was because we had no children to fight over, and I wouldn't put a child through a divorce if I could avoid it anyway. But I thought that getting a divorce meant moving on from that place where I couldn't have children. And getting into another committed relationship would mean having that option open at last. And now I find it doesn't, that I still have to wait. I've already done so much waiting, I want my child now!
- I feel that having a child would be good for me. I'd have something to live for. Something to focus on, like a project.
- I think a child's experience of discovering the world would help me drop my own cynical lenses and enjoy the world more.
- I have, for a very long time, wanted to make a profound difference for another person. I've often worked in jobs that intended to that, only to be frustrated because you can only do so much for an adult, or for a child being raised by others. I feel that by adopting a child, I'd be able to really create a better life for that child.
Why do I want to do that?
Because to me, the only thing that makes life meaningful is to make somebody else's life better. That probably sounds saccharine. But here's the thing: I don't know what happens when we die, and my dread is that there's the Big Nothing. That's it, game over, nothing left. I hope that's not true, but if it is, then all I have is this time, this life. No heaven or hell, nothing to look forward to. So what's the point? If there's no god to please or displease. Well, then, if all I have is this time, my time is precious. Each person's time is precious. Each living thing. To ruin someone's time is the worst wrong. Because that's it, that's the only time they have, and you've ruined it. Likewise, to improve someone's time is the greatest good. You've made it possible for them to better enjoy the time they have.

Anyway, my life seems adrift to me. I don't particularly feel like I'm doing anything meaningful with it. I'm frustrated creatively. So taking on a child seems like a good project--something to focus on, to work at doing well. And I think I'd be good at it.

Seems sort of... clinical? To think of raising a child as a project. I'm not talking a lot about any emotions here. I suppose I am lonely, although I have Sean. I don't have any friends that I see regularly at the moment. I suppose having a child would mean having another person in my life, and I want that.

You know something else? I think I secretly want being a mother to give me a little more authority--not with the child, but with other people, especially Sean's mom. Like if I'm a mom what I say and what I want will have more weight and she won't feel like she can be so bossy. Which I realize is just silly. She's already acting like I make her insecure. She's always defensive. She blows a lot of hot air about being "the mom" like that gives her the authority to be so pushy with us sometimes, and if I took on that role too, she'd just get more insecure (because she no longer had sole claim to momhood) and therefore become more obnoxious.

I want a family. And honestly, I want my own holidays. I'm sick of going to other people's family's holidays. I've been doing it since my parents split up and my dad started attending his wife's family's holidays and I'd go too. I imagine having children meaning I could put my foot down about such things, but I guess I'd be better off doing that already. Except I don't know how to do that without offending people, or hurting Sean, at this point. I don't want to go to his family's Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't like most of them, and I don't like having to play nice for hours and hours with all of them, it's like being in a pack of sharks and trying not to make a bad impression. So I see having my own kids as a way to say, "We're having our own small family Christmas this year. We'll come by for two hours on Christmas Eve to see you."

Sometimes I think you have to do unpleasant things and that's just the way it is--going through a traditional credential program, attending family holidays... but then, that's a lesson my mother taught me, and I try to challenge those truths because often they aren't actually true. Do holidays have to be ordeals?

I mean, realistically if I give Sean's mother grandchildren I can expect her to demand that we come and stay for a week so she can be with them. Sigh.

I want a family so I can have people in my life that talk about their day, their plans, the things they enjoy and love. I want to see a child I'm raising grow and become this person of their own, with their own ideas and goals. I hope they'd be a person I'd like a lot, in addition to someone I'd love unconditionally.

Ugh, I don't think I'm getting very far with all of this. I'll think about it some more and come back to it.