muddied

I think about posting to this blog a lot more often than I actually post, and what I imagine I'll write seems to change by the hour. Lately I swing between euphoria and angst. On the one hand, I love it here, and so many good things have been happening. We are fostering a dog now. She's so great, and it warms my heart to see how she went from this apathetic, depressed creature to being full of joy and personality. On the other hand, I'm getting bored of my job and I'm feeling socially frustrated, as I have yet to meet anyone here that I'm truly interested in hanging out with, and this seems to be leading me down the path that ends in death rushes. I think Astrid was right when she said I get death rushes when I feel unconnected to others. I've decided to try out a church service this Sunday. Maybe it will feel good spiritualliy, or maybe I'll just meet some more people, but either way, I don't expect it will hurt. Maybe this fall I'll enroll in a women's studies class at the local JC; also can't hurt and maybe I'll meet cool people. Maybe the professor?

What I noticed a while back is that participating in a graduate program seems to have ruined me for becoming friends with a lot of people. It's not a superiority thing, I just don't relate very well anymore, and I don't think about things the same way. I'll sit in a room and not contribute to the conversation sometimes because what I would have to say on the topic would never fly... Imagine an alien trying to contribute to a dialogue about Thanksgiving, or Halloween. They may understand it from outside, but they can't relate to people who participate in it. I'm pretty good, actually, at chatting, engaging in small talk, asking questions, interesting myself in what people have to say, so it's not that I've become a social outcast. But on this deeper level I have nothing that hooks in with someone else. You know how you'll meet someone and you have a lot in common with them and you agree about how the world is, and it feels like you've known them forever? I've had that experience but it's getting rarer and rarer. And yet I wouldn't go back; I think I've learned a lot in my 33 years, and the best thing, the thing I wish I could pass on to others, is that when you accept yourself, and no longer try to be someone else, the world changes, and anything is possible. It is glorious. But the words don't tell the essence of what I mean.