ennui

There's an episode of Gilmore Girls, an early one, where Michel gets a case of ennui, which he eventually passes on to Sookie. I think it makes the rounds with most of the characters by the end. It's a sort of listless feeling, a sense of dissatisfaction and depression, but nothing extreme, just unhappiness without a specific trigger... a gray mood.

I do not want to drag around with ennui. And yet, it seems that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, it creeps into my life. I love Mount Shasta. I love it like I have only ever loved two places before: Paris, and Corsica. I'm happy we have our two kittens. Things are going well with the dog and I think we're both going to do whatever we can to keep her. Sean is even saying he's okay with the idea of adopting a mastiff puppy in the fall, which I'd love to do. My job is fine; I even enjoy it about seventy percent of the time. The main problem is we are so terribly broke, and that gets pretty stressful. But that will get all sorted out in September, when we get our financial aid checks.

In September, I want to register as a substitute teacher and teaching again will be great. Teaching always perks me up.

It's partly living in this house, which is not ours, which is furnished with his mother and step-dad's things, which we can't change to suit us. It's rent free. How can you argue with rent free? But I haven't had a place of my own in over six months.

Which prompted me to tell Sean I wished we could get a place of our own, but of course I was thinking of renting a house in Shasta, one with a fenced year, basically this house just not belonging to his mom. Sean said he's been thinking a lot about going back to San Diego.

It's not a repulsive idea to me. I have a few friends in SD I'd love to see again. And that's what it is for him. His band is there, and he misses them. But I'm not drawn to live in SD anymore. I don't miss it.

I have started to worry that I'm not going to meet anyone here to be good friends with. Plenty of people are interesting and nice and I could see having light-weight friendships with them. But it is so very, very rare for me to find anyone I really click with, and we just don't live in a very populated area... 3,000 people in the town of Mount Shasta, and there are a couple of small towns within 10 miles. I want to live in a beautiful place but I want my kindred spirits with me, not halfway across the globe or even in another state. And there just aren't that many of them running around. I'm hoping maybe if I take a class or two, maybe I'll meet someone. But it's tough because we're only here for a year (if we don't go back to SD in Sept). I think the kinds of people I relate best to are also the kinds who like to travel and move around a lot, which makes staying close a real challenge.