Unbelievable.

I feel so stupid. I feel like the truth was all around me and I just turned a blind eye. I guess I wanted to believe that all the signs were wrong, because I needed the fucking drug. God, I'm an addict.

Did you know that SSRIs are dependency-forming and addictive? I don't think I'd have had too much trouble with this one. Of course, I'd have agreed. They alter your brain chemistry and you can't quit them abruptly so sure, they are habit-forming.

What I didn't know about was the withdrawal period, which can last several months. Jesus.

That and I just read that paxil causes weight gain. It messes up your metabolism. I've been going nuts trying to figure out why I'm up to 217lbs and I've been generally eating healthy and getting a fair bit of exercise.

God, I feel so betrayed.

I believed in this stuff, I though it was my fucking salvation, I feel like such an idiot. Such a typical junkie.

I've been tapering off, trying to quit, because I have to buy health insurance soon and if I'm on it they'll see this as a pre-existing condition and deny me coverage. (Yay for the shareholders.)

And lo-and-behold, this last week I've been having these awful bouts of shock-like symptoms. Tingling in the mouth and hands, seeing stars, clammy skin, cold sweats. I've been having the most horrific nightmares. I've been nearly out of my mind, and so worried about it, thinking this is it, I'm finally having some kind of real psychotic break, here. I'm going to develop adult-onset schizophrenia and lose myself completely. It's been fucking terrifying. Not to mention the digestive problems. And the mood swings... god, the anger. I actually fantasized about leaving Sean last night, I was so furious over some stupid shit that happened yesterday.

So anyway, I've been feeling rotten for about a week. Today I went online to try to research my symptoms, try to get some idea of why I might be having these near-fainting spells, feel like I'm going into shock. Are the bowel troubles related? Am I having diabetic crises, have I developed diabetes? Or is my heart--heart disease runs in my family. Severe dips in blood pressure? And I researched all this for a while and didn't really come up with anything other than a sense that I should check myself into a hospital asap.

And then, I thought, "Oh yeah, I wanted to check out withdrawal from Paxil." Because Sean mentioned that someone he knew got dizzy.

And there it all was, in a bulleted list. Every single symptom, including "You are seriously concerned that you are going insane."

Christ.

Jesus Christ.

I want to fucking kill someone. Why didn't I hear about any of this before?

And yet I did, in little bits and pieces. If I'd put them all together... If I'd just listened to my friend Dante instead of thinking he was wrong... GOD. DAMN. IT.

Okay, so the good news? Eventually I'll get through the withdrawal period and feel normal again.

The bad news? What about my panic attacks? See, "normal" for me can get pretty fucking bleak. Unmedicated is not a generally a good state for me. It looks like Paxil's the worst, but most of the other SSRIs are pretty bad too. Can I take beta-blockers? Xanax? I can manage my depression since therapy, and maybe even the regular anxiety, you know. I don't know about the OCD thoughts. And the panic attacks, god. I thought the meds would save me. But they turned me into an addict, my god. I've spent my whole life staying away from addictions, and I've even struggled against my food addictions, but this just snuck up, because I thought that SSRIs weren't addicitve. You had to take them a certain way, but they weren't addictive. You didn't have to go through withdrawal like heroin or something.

Jesus, how can I have sat through Walk the Line feeling all smug because "everybody knows just because you get drugs on prescription it doesn't make you any less of an addict," right? Uppers and downs, sleeping pills and valium, mother's little helpers. I knew perfectly well about the pills women popped in the sixties when they wrestled with the "problem with no name" and how totally destructive and real those pills were, real drugs. But not my Paxil. Not my vitamin P.

I'm such a fucking sucker.

So I've got one 10mg dose left. After that, cold turkey. This should be very, very fun.