I have a cell phone. This is cause for glee. I was cellphone-less for nearly eight months. Before that, I had my cell for about a year, I think? Anyway, I was late to get on the cellphone band wagon. But then I loved it. So I missed having one like crazy, but now I do again. Glee!
I chatted with my friend Astrid (ON MY NEW PHONE) last night for a while. She raised some things for me to think about. I really admire her, and I think I'm a little in awe, because she's so incredibly insightful. Anyway, she suggested that I do some writing and thinking about motherhood, and why I want to have children, especially why now. I'd been telling her how frustrated I am that Sean and I are not in a place yet where we can have kids. She said she thinks there's subconscious stuff there. She also thinks that in my current internal debate over how to fit my program with Sean's, I should not opt for a traditional credential program. Well, she said I'd probably end up resenting Sean for it, and I think she's right, so the conclusion I take that to is that I shouldn't opt for it. And by the time she called yesterday I had pretty much decided in favor of it, so I'm glad we talked.
Some people I talk to about my issues with traditional credential programs don't seem to understand why I dislike the student teaching so much. Sean, for instance, thinks it's because I'd be bored. I would be bored. Student teaching means basically being a TA for a semester and then teaching with a mentor teacher at your side for the next. Not a bad idea for people who are starting out, but I have about 10 years of teaching experience under my belt. So yes, I'd be bored. But that's not the main problem. The main problem is that it profoundly disgusts and enrages me that people who want to be teachers get exploited that way. They aren't paid for the work that they do for that year, and they must do it full time, so having a job in addition is nearly impossible. When people train to become doctors they have to do residencies and that's fine, but they get paid for it! Plus, the salary they can expect when they are done... well, I'm sure you know a teacher isn't going to make that kind of money. A low-end beginning teacher's salary is $30K. TA's make about $8.50 an hour in most of the high schools I've worked in. So if you add that all up, for a semester of TAing and a semester of teaching, student teachers lose about $20K. And they pay tuition for the privilege, so in fact, depending on the cost of the program, they're shelling out quite a bit more. All this for a teacher's salary: $30K to begin, and if they stay in the system long enough, they can hope to one day make around $50K. It's disgusting.
So I tried, yesterday, to rationalize all of it. The best music program for what Sean wants is at CSU Sonoma, which is in a town called Rohnert Park. Rohnert Park is about 40 or so miles from the nearest school in the Bay Area, in Vallejo. Why do we care about the Bay Area? Well, honestly, we despise the Bay Area, but Project Pipeline, the program I want to do is located in two spots in the Bay Area and in Sacramento. They have a list of schools they work with and the closest one to Rohnert Park is in Vallejo. Why do I want to do Project Pipeline? Because instead of having to submit to the student teaching screw-over I'd be working full-time and paid for it while earning my credential in Saturday classes over 2 years. Anyway, Vallejo, Rohnert Park: not close together. We could live in Novato, which would mean we'd both have a 20 mile commute. And we drove over both commutes. Vallejo-Novato is not a short commute, and there's traffic. Plus, on Saturdays I'd have to drive all the way to Concord, which would probably take an hour to an hour and a half. And I hate driving. So yesterday I told myself, "Come on, be reasonable. If you do the credential at CSU Sonoma, yes, you'll suffer for a year, but it's just a year and then you'll have your credential. And there won't be any of this commuting, no Saturdays driving to Concord, you can live right next to the university or the school where you'll student teach, it'll be easy." And I had myself convinced. But then on the phone with Astrid I visualized sitting in a classroom as an observer day after day and how pissed I'd be. And she pointed out that even if I never admitted it to myself, I'd blame Sean because I chose the traditional credential to accommedate him. And I think I'd admit it to myself, I already find myself blaming him in my mind for stupid things that he either has no real control over, had nothing to do with and are my fault, or that don't matter and aren't worth my blaming him for. It's a symptom of my frustration with our current living arrangement, I think. So give me something real to blame him for and I know I'll jump all over it.
The trouble is, I see myself blaming him as I sit in my car commuting to Vallejo or Concord or Novato anyway. How do you slice away the pieces of your mind that do things like blame people for things? I wish I knew. So the issue isn't settled. Which situation is more livable, I wonder?
I've neatly avoided the whole motherhood issue so far. Astrid suggested I make lists of what being a mother means to me, so I'll start with that.
Mothering is:
- caring for a kid in mundane ways: meals, baths, dressing warmly enough; having a daily schedule we usually stick to, except for special occasions.
- adapting to avoid any allergies.
- taking to the doctor and dentist.
- administering any necessary medicines.
- reading stories before bed, and singing songs.
- going for walks with the dog.
- having birthday parties and play dates with other children.
- helping with learning to read, and later with homework.
- calm, firm discpline; rules for structure and safety.
- maybe going to a church, most likely Unitarian, so he or she can learn about spirituality.
- affection but also allowing a child to be angry with me, or to reject me when necessary.
Being a mother means:
- being responsible.
- patient.
- firm.
- having a sense of humor.
- being comforting.
- encouraging.
- taking pride in a child's achievements.
- giving support.
- trying to understand what he or she is going through; empathy.
- being in charge.
- teaching.
- moments of fear for their safety.
- frustration when they make decisions I don't agree with.
- having to say no.
- having to be strong on days I feel like crap.
- disappointments? I'm not sure. Disappointments come from expectations, and I'm not sure I'd have a lot of expectations that could be disappointed. I suppose if my child liked hurting animals, but then it would be worse than disappointment.
- making sacrifices.
- being tired probably.
Some of the reasons for why I want this right now:
- I've waited and waited to have a child. I've wanted a child since I was a child myself--how and why has changed but the desire for a child really hasn't. When others I knew started having children in their 20s I couldn't, because my situation with my ex just made it impossible. And I don't regret that so much because one of the reasons the divorce happened as smoothly as it did was because we had no children to fight over, and I wouldn't put a child through a divorce if I could avoid it anyway. But I thought that getting a divorce meant moving on from that place where I couldn't have children. And getting into another committed relationship would mean having that option open at last. And now I find it doesn't, that I still have to wait. I've already done so much waiting, I want my child now!
- I feel that having a child would be good for me. I'd have something to live for. Something to focus on, like a project.
- I think a child's experience of discovering the world would help me drop my own cynical lenses and enjoy the world more.
- I have, for a very long time, wanted to make a profound difference for another person. I've often worked in jobs that intended to that, only to be frustrated because you can only do so much for an adult, or for a child being raised by others. I feel that by adopting a child, I'd be able to really create a better life for that child.
Why do I want to do that?
Because to me, the only thing that makes life meaningful is to make somebody else's life better. That probably sounds saccharine. But here's the thing: I don't know what happens when we die, and my dread is that there's the Big Nothing. That's it, game over, nothing left. I hope that's not true, but if it is, then all I have is this time, this life. No heaven or hell, nothing to look forward to. So what's the point? If there's no god to please or displease. Well, then, if all I have is this time, my time is precious. Each person's time is precious. Each living thing. To ruin someone's time is the worst wrong. Because that's it, that's the only time they have, and you've ruined it. Likewise, to improve someone's time is the greatest good. You've made it possible for them to better enjoy the time they have.
Anyway, my life seems adrift to me. I don't particularly feel like I'm doing anything meaningful with it. I'm frustrated creatively. So taking on a child seems like a good project--something to focus on, to work at doing well. And I think I'd be good at it.
Seems sort of... clinical? To think of raising a child as a project. I'm not talking a lot about any emotions here. I suppose I am lonely, although I have Sean. I don't have any friends that I see regularly at the moment. I suppose having a child would mean having another person in my life, and I want that.
You know something else? I think I secretly want being a mother to give me a little more authority--not with the child, but with other people, especially Sean's mom. Like if I'm a mom what I say and what I want will have more weight and she won't feel like she can be so bossy. Which I realize is just silly. She's already acting like I make her insecure. She's always defensive. She blows a lot of hot air about being "the mom" like that gives her the authority to be so pushy with us sometimes, and if I took on that role too, she'd just get more insecure (because she no longer had sole claim to momhood) and therefore become more obnoxious.
I want a family. And honestly, I want my own holidays. I'm sick of going to other people's family's holidays. I've been doing it since my parents split up and my dad started attending his wife's family's holidays and I'd go too. I imagine having children meaning I could put my foot down about such things, but I guess I'd be better off doing that already. Except I don't know how to do that without offending people, or hurting Sean, at this point. I don't want to go to his family's Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't like most of them, and I don't like having to play nice for hours and hours with all of them, it's like being in a pack of sharks and trying not to make a bad impression. So I see having my own kids as a way to say, "We're having our own small family Christmas this year. We'll come by for two hours on Christmas Eve to see you."
Sometimes I think you have to do unpleasant things and that's just the way it is--going through a traditional credential program, attending family holidays... but then, that's a lesson my mother taught me, and I try to challenge those truths because often they aren't actually true. Do holidays have to be ordeals?
I mean, realistically if I give Sean's mother grandchildren I can expect her to demand that we come and stay for a week so she can be with them. Sigh.
I want a family so I can have people in my life that talk about their day, their plans, the things they enjoy and love. I want to see a child I'm raising grow and become this person of their own, with their own ideas and goals. I hope they'd be a person I'd like a lot, in addition to someone I'd love unconditionally.
Ugh, I don't think I'm getting very far with all of this. I'll think about it some more and come back to it.
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