little freakout

Yep, had a little freakout sitting in the car when we got to school this morning.

Sean's mom and step-dad got here yesterday.

I didn't sleep well, combination of tension from their presence and them letting the dogs out at 6am. One of their dogs is in love with our dog, and the other barks constantly as the first two play and play. They were separated for the night, until Sean's mom let them all out. I'm sure the neighbors just love us now.

I think my endurance is getting worn down most by Sean's attitude to his mother. He needs her approval. He presents everything to her in this timid way, sort of hedging and uncertain, and she just jumps all over it. And because he has to try to win her approval, I feel like I do too. God, I am so sick of living in her house. He might not be so servile if he didn't feel so beholden to her.

I wrote a story a while back that had as one subplot a woman who was engaged to a man ruled by his mother. It was very clear to me then that the woman had to get out of that relationship. Now I look back and I ask myself if that was some sort of prophecy.

I don't know how I'd feel if I got out of this relationship. I wonder if I'd just be using the mom thing as an excuse. Sometimes I still think I'd be better off on my own, and that I want my alone time. I know I don't want to be enmeshed in this family--I do not like them. But then part of me knows that leaving Sean would be this huge mistake. How much of that is fear of hurting him? I hate the fact that I had to hurt Ben. He didn't deserve it. Sean doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I just want to live my life my way, and at the moment, that isn't remotely possible.

I've tried to talk to Sean about the attitude he takes with his parents (he's very submissive with his father, too). He gets defensive with me. I don't know anymore whether I'm being reasonable or not. How do I deal with my parents? Well, they have no authority over me. I don't try to please my father at all. Gave up a long time ago with that. It took me a lot longer to stop worrying about displeasing my mother, but I think I'm there. I think I have been for a couple of years. In any case I know I'm not submissive with her. She complained when we first went there that I was being aggressive, in fact (and I dialed it down as a result, I do care about her feelings). But I see myself as an adult. I see my parents' flaws. I don't need them to put some stamp of approval on my decisions and actions because I don't particularly think they have a better handle on life and the world than I do. And Sean and I have talked a lot about his parents, and their flaws. Their qualities, too, but the point is he doesn't want to live the same life as them. And yet it's like he still needs to get permission for everything. Every little thing. And if his mother decrees something, he goes along with it. He never disagrees. Maybe he doesn't actually do it later, but it's like she couldn't handle being contradicted. She must be appeased at all costs.

I've fucking had enough. I don't do it for anyone else, why should I do it for her? Except that I don't want to make things hard on Sean.

In the pack order of his family, Sean is at the lowest rung. And with us, I think I let him be pack leader. And I wonder if this is all a power thing. They dominate him, so he has to be dominant with me. He makes most of the decisions. I let him because most of the time it's easier than arguing, and I don't really mind doing things his way; it's not like he chooses a bad way to do things. If anything, he's more on top of certain issues than I am, like our finances. It's nice to have someone else dealing with it.

But, it means I'm not doing things my way, and then when things are shitty, that becomes a really big problem for me. I don't know what the solution is, other than to leave, since talking about it with him only seems to make him miserable, and me frustrated, and nothing changes. In just our relationship, I don't know how to shift the balance so I have more say, because I've tried before, and it just takes us to this sniping, argumentative place. So do I give up, or try not to let things get to me? I hate thinking I'm putting up with crap after going through what I did to get out of the crap of my marriage.

Things go pretty well as long as his family is a certain distance away. I let him make the decisions and we get along fine. So once his mother and step-father leave, we should go back to getting along fine. When we move this winter and finally have our own place, things will be better. And I've been trying to just be patient, and not make any major decisions about our relationship until we've settled in to our new place.

One really great thing is that we're going to Sacramento. I was agonizing over going to Sonoma, and we talked a lot about it, and we decided to go to Sac. That is such a relief, because it will work so much better for me. It means Sean will be in his program a lot longer, though. Maybe two or even three years. I hope that won't become a problem; it may not. He may get a lot out of it. And he says he's okay with it.

So once we're established there, and we're not living in his mother's house, maybe he won't feel like he owes her something, and he'll start having more of a backbone with her. I've worried that we'll still have a debt: they lent us their house for seven months--how do we pay them back? But maybe we'll find a way, and in any case, it's just got to stop. I really, really wish we had never taken them up on the offer. I feel like I signed a contract without reading the fine print. The contract looked good, and I came to it with a set of assumptions based on my own family's way of doing things. But the fine print was a whole different story.

In Sacramento, I want to make friends and have a life outside of Sean. At the moment, other than work, I don't. I want to have more independence. I want to have other options when he's going to visit his parents. Maybe I can find some ways to take back control of more areas of my life, too. But definitely I want a life outside of Sean. Then, I hope, I'll appreciate him more. I won't have to remind myself so often of his qualities, of why I'm with him, and what I like about him. I'll just feel good, I'll enjoy being with him.