muddied

I think about posting to this blog a lot more often than I actually post, and what I imagine I'll write seems to change by the hour. Lately I swing between euphoria and angst. On the one hand, I love it here, and so many good things have been happening. We are fostering a dog now. She's so great, and it warms my heart to see how she went from this apathetic, depressed creature to being full of joy and personality. On the other hand, I'm getting bored of my job and I'm feeling socially frustrated, as I have yet to meet anyone here that I'm truly interested in hanging out with, and this seems to be leading me down the path that ends in death rushes. I think Astrid was right when she said I get death rushes when I feel unconnected to others. I've decided to try out a church service this Sunday. Maybe it will feel good spiritualliy, or maybe I'll just meet some more people, but either way, I don't expect it will hurt. Maybe this fall I'll enroll in a women's studies class at the local JC; also can't hurt and maybe I'll meet cool people. Maybe the professor?

What I noticed a while back is that participating in a graduate program seems to have ruined me for becoming friends with a lot of people. It's not a superiority thing, I just don't relate very well anymore, and I don't think about things the same way. I'll sit in a room and not contribute to the conversation sometimes because what I would have to say on the topic would never fly... Imagine an alien trying to contribute to a dialogue about Thanksgiving, or Halloween. They may understand it from outside, but they can't relate to people who participate in it. I'm pretty good, actually, at chatting, engaging in small talk, asking questions, interesting myself in what people have to say, so it's not that I've become a social outcast. But on this deeper level I have nothing that hooks in with someone else. You know how you'll meet someone and you have a lot in common with them and you agree about how the world is, and it feels like you've known them forever? I've had that experience but it's getting rarer and rarer. And yet I wouldn't go back; I think I've learned a lot in my 33 years, and the best thing, the thing I wish I could pass on to others, is that when you accept yourself, and no longer try to be someone else, the world changes, and anything is possible. It is glorious. But the words don't tell the essence of what I mean.

Survey... consider this my bio page

Autobiography:
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Part 1: Birth

Were you a planned baby?:
As far as I know.
Were you the first?:
First and only.
Were your parents married when you were born?:
Yep.
What is your birth date?:
April 5.

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Part 2: The Family

How would you describe your family?:
My French half is large, fairly traditional and conservative, but for the most part everyone is pretty friendly and interesting and I'm proud to introduce them to my friends. My American side is tougher--I loved my grandma, she was a grande dame, but my dad and I have our differences and my step-mother and I... well, we don't see eye-to-eye.
Are your parents married, divorced or separated?:
Divorced and both remarried, but my mother divorced again.
Siblings or an only child?:
Only child growing up--dad has two boys and a girl now.
What are your siblings names?:
Hawley, Hannah Grace, and Hans, pronounced "Hah-ntz." Yes, it's pretentious.
Which parent do you get along with best?:
Definitely my mother, although that relationship has been a bit rough lately. Better now, though.
Do you have step parents?:
Yes... She's still around; I don't have a nickname for her, but my mother's 2nd husband I always refer to as "The Shithead."

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Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?:
Well... I don't really use that label much. I do have a couple of very close friends.
Who are your good friends?:
Sean, Astrid, Carmen, Dante, and Sookie. They'd be the top five anyway; I hate for anyone to feel left out. I'm blessed to have many truly wonderful people in my life.
What do you like to do when you are together?:
Sean and I live together; we like to travel together and discuss tv shows and movies. Astrid is this amazing, spiritual, artistic person and she is such an extraordinary listener. She's helped me realize things I never even left myself begin to consider. Carmen is fun and perverse and she loves going out dancing. Dante is into music and theater and he and I used to both work in this teen theater program together. Sookie is a fellow grad student; she and I dish and she's also this super amazing baker.
Do you share the same interests?:
Different friends share different interests with me.
Which friend can you tell anything to?:
Pretty much Sean or Astrid, although I tell a lot to Dante too.

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Part 4: Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?:
Generally high. I have my dark moments, though.
Do you get depressed about things easily?:
Well, I'm on Paxil because I have panic disorder, OCD, and I suffer from boughts on major depression. As long as I take my meds, I'm fine though.
Are you happy?:
Actually, I really am. I like my job, I love Mount Shasta, and I'm living in a relationship that is better than anything I thought would ever be possible.
Do you live life to the fullest?:
More and more each day.

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Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?:
Mostly. If I magically woke up to find I'd switched bodies with an Olympic gymnast, I don't think the first thing I'd do was burst into tears, however.
How do you dress?:
Comfortably. Often bright colors.
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?:
Nope.

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Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?:
Well, my dad tells this story about a time when he got the creeps in my godmother's house thinking about ghosts, and then I sat up in bed unprovoked and said, "Daddy, it doesn't do any good to be afraid of ghosts." So, I guess I had my moments.
What did you use to love that you no longer do?:
Write fiction... I keep trying to bring myself back to it.
Play Barbie--now I have The Sims 2.
Horseback ride. I want to do that again someday soon.
Do you have the same friends?:
No, I've pretty much lost touch with everyone but one high school friend, and I don't see her or email withher much at all.
Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?:
Yeah... my parents's divorce, the surgeries I went through from the age of 12 to 16 that involved a lot of suffering, a terrible argument with my father, and my own divorce.

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Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?:
To fully embrace who I am and no longer waste a moment of time trying to be what others want or expect... to be a teacher... to develop my art... to knit a sweater for Sean...
Are you scared of growing old?:
I am afraid of dying. I look forward to turning 50 so I can join the Red Hat Society, though.
Do you want to get married?:
No, not really. I adore Sean, but I think marriage isn't for me.

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Part 8: The Outdoors
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?:
Generally indoors, although I have fun outside too.
What is your favorite season?:
Probably spring.
Favorite weather?:
Warm, not hot, with sun and blue sky.
Do you like walking in the rain?:
As long as I am not wearing my glasses that day.

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Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?:
Used to be. Prosciutto broke my will.
What is your favorite food?:
Sushi.
What food makes you want to gag?:
Actually I'm allergic to pumpkin, sweet potatoes, and yams... they give me migraines which do lead me to gagging...
What is your favorite dessert?:
Boston Cream Pie with berries.
What is your favorite restaurant?:
Don't have one.
Are you a fussy eater?
No, I'm really not.

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Part 10: Love

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?:
I don't know; love kind of aches.
Do you believe in love at first sight?:
Not really, although I think you can really resonate with someone after only being around them for a very little while.

New blog

I'm trying it again. My blog of five plus years imploded when diary-x had its catastrophic meltdown. Had I backed my posts up, as recommended? Of course not.

I'm living in Mount Shasta for the summer. The photo doesn't do it justice; it's such a beautiful place. I can't touch it with prose. I feel like this is it, the place I want to settle in. The first place in such a long, long time, that I feel happy, lucky to live in.

Naturally, the plan to stay at Sean's mother's cabin for the year is under threat. There never seems to be the same difficulty in staying somewhere I don't particularly want to be. However, that's sour grapes talking. The way things are going I feel pretty sure we'll make it through the summer (oh, please, please, don't let things between Sean and his mother get worse) and then when we get our financial aid checks, we'll move out into some rental around here. The prices are not bad (shhhh).

I don't blame him for being upset and wanting to move out as soon as we can. She's being unreasonable. She has become convinced that he's a bum. Which means she has lost sight of who he is. Sean is not lazy, and I know of what I speak. She doesn't understand his choice to pursue a life in academe. My family doesn't get my choice either, but they are not as obnoxious about it. Mainly because Dad and I had a terrible falling out years ago and my mother doesn't want to seem like she's in any way like him, and then her side of the family sees me as this heroic martyr because I supported my ex for so long. So mainly they just "worry" and occassionally let me know that they are "worrying." You know, I'm convinced that when someone says, "I worry about you," it's actually just a blatant push in the direction they want you to take. "I worry about you, so do something about it so I can stop." Because worrying sucks, and if you care about someone, you don't want to add suckiness to their life. But the fact is, each person gets to choose what to worry about. They can decide to stop worrying. No one is responsible for making them stop but them.

I happen to be aware of the risks I'm taking, and the consequences, both positive and negative, that may arise. I spent far too long allowing fear to cage me. I am okay with making mistakes. I have faith in my ability to recover from them. So it would be nice if everyone else would get on board.

But it seems like a lot of family members are more concerned about my biological clock and my financial investments than I am. It's true, being a graduate student means prolonged poverty and putting off pregnancy. Nobody wants to hear that I may not want biological children. I go back and forth about this, but even if I do, I can't see more than one. Maybe two. Maybe. But what I'd like to do is adopt, maybe do foster care. And, at the moment, I don't particularly want kids at all. (I'm currently totally into the idea of fostering a dog for the local Humane Society.) I work in a gift/candy store in town and we get kids in, and the only reason I'm a little softer on this point than I would have been had I written this post yesterday, is that there was a boy in today, probably 10 yrs old, who I thought was pretty cool. Otherwise my contact lately with persons 7 to 12 has made me want to run screaming in the other direction. As Sean put it, under 7 I find they are still cute, and over 12 I find them interesting; I think in both cases because they have a certain vulnerability and I want to build them up. The kids I've been meeting between the two ages seem so very full of themselves--such know-it-alls. I suspect (don't tell anyone) that I was just like that at their age--and I can't stand the thought of my own arrogance. Please save me from smart, confident children.