There's an episode of Gilmore Girls, an early one, where Michel gets a case of ennui, which he eventually passes on to Sookie. I think it makes the rounds with most of the characters by the end. It's a sort of listless feeling, a sense of dissatisfaction and depression, but nothing extreme, just unhappiness without a specific trigger... a gray mood.
I do not want to drag around with ennui. And yet, it seems that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, it creeps into my life. I love Mount Shasta. I love it like I have only ever loved two places before: Paris, and Corsica. I'm happy we have our two kittens. Things are going well with the dog and I think we're both going to do whatever we can to keep her. Sean is even saying he's okay with the idea of adopting a mastiff puppy in the fall, which I'd love to do. My job is fine; I even enjoy it about seventy percent of the time. The main problem is we are so terribly broke, and that gets pretty stressful. But that will get all sorted out in September, when we get our financial aid checks.
In September, I want to register as a substitute teacher and teaching again will be great. Teaching always perks me up.
It's partly living in this house, which is not ours, which is furnished with his mother and step-dad's things, which we can't change to suit us. It's rent free. How can you argue with rent free? But I haven't had a place of my own in over six months.
Which prompted me to tell Sean I wished we could get a place of our own, but of course I was thinking of renting a house in Shasta, one with a fenced year, basically this house just not belonging to his mom. Sean said he's been thinking a lot about going back to San Diego.
It's not a repulsive idea to me. I have a few friends in SD I'd love to see again. And that's what it is for him. His band is there, and he misses them. But I'm not drawn to live in SD anymore. I don't miss it.
I have started to worry that I'm not going to meet anyone here to be good friends with. Plenty of people are interesting and nice and I could see having light-weight friendships with them. But it is so very, very rare for me to find anyone I really click with, and we just don't live in a very populated area... 3,000 people in the town of Mount Shasta, and there are a couple of small towns within 10 miles. I want to live in a beautiful place but I want my kindred spirits with me, not halfway across the globe or even in another state. And there just aren't that many of them running around. I'm hoping maybe if I take a class or two, maybe I'll meet someone. But it's tough because we're only here for a year (if we don't go back to SD in Sept). I think the kinds of people I relate best to are also the kinds who like to travel and move around a lot, which makes staying close a real challenge.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
July 4
I had a really lovely July 4. Sean's mother and step-dad came up. Mount Shasta has a 3-day celebration and I wasn't scheduled to work any of it which was really good, since I gather those days were super busy. I get frazzled when it's so busy--you inevitably have three people asking you for three different things and only one of them will be something you can actually help them with. And that's if you've got someone else working the front--by yourself it's a total madhouse.
On the morning of the fourth we went to Sean's mom's church for a pancake breakfast. Then we went into the town center and did the two mile walk, which was pretty amazing, since all along the route people sign up for these little stages and they provide entertainment to the walkers. The first band was made up of what looked to be fifteen year old kids. They were singing death metal. Pretty surreal when the majority of the walkers must have been over 40. They were good, too--the singer was really committed to his performance. There were other heavy metal bands along the way, as well as reggae, folk, classical, and a couple with a drum and a flute who definitely nailed the Revolutionary style.
After the walk we stuck around for the drawing and I did not win the Jeep. I almost did; they did this narowing down thing where they'd eliminate portions of the crowd: "If you are between the ages of 20 and 40, r
aise your hand." "If you live in Mount Shasta keep your hand up." Etc. Only when they actually called the girl's name did I get eliminated. I was so sure I was going to win. Sigh.
Sean's step-dad bbq'ed lunch and then they had to go home after. I don't recall what we did with the afternoon, except that I was lazy and so Sean went out to get groceries for dinner. Then when he got home he presented me with pizza, cherry pie, and local beer! Quite a splurge since we've been counting every penny lately as we try to eek through the summer on our minimum wage incomes. We're talking ramen every other night, lots of beans and rice, lots of oatmeal.
After we polished off the pizza we walked to the lake and set outselves on the ground, eating cherry pie and drinking beer. We watched the fireworks. It was awesome. So amazing to be lying on a blanket with Sean watching this light show, sparkling golden and green jewels falling in the sky; the explosions echoing through the mountains; the finale with so many red, blue, purple, and dozens of other colors popping that each one lit the patterns of the smoke left by the last ones. I haven't had a 4th like that since I was a kid.
On the morning of the fourth we went to Sean's mom's church for a pancake breakfast. Then we went into the town center and did the two mile walk, which was pretty amazing, since all along the route people sign up for these little stages and they provide entertainment to the walkers. The first band was made up of what looked to be fifteen year old kids. They were singing death metal. Pretty surreal when the majority of the walkers must have been over 40. They were good, too--the singer was really committed to his performance. There were other heavy metal bands along the way, as well as reggae, folk, classical, and a couple with a drum and a flute who definitely nailed the Revolutionary style.
After the walk we stuck around for the drawing and I did not win the Jeep. I almost did; they did this narowing down thing where they'd eliminate portions of the crowd: "If you are between the ages of 20 and 40, r
aise your hand." "If you live in Mount Shasta keep your hand up." Etc. Only when they actually called the girl's name did I get eliminated. I was so sure I was going to win. Sigh.Sean's step-dad bbq'ed lunch and then they had to go home after. I don't recall what we did with the afternoon, except that I was lazy and so Sean went out to get groceries for dinner. Then when he got home he presented me with pizza, cherry pie, and local beer! Quite a splurge since we've been counting every penny lately as we try to eek through the summer on our minimum wage incomes. We're talking ramen every other night, lots of beans and rice, lots of oatmeal.
After we polished off the pizza we walked to the lake and set outselves on the ground, eating cherry pie and drinking beer. We watched the fireworks. It was awesome. So amazing to be lying on a blanket with Sean watching this light show, sparkling golden and green jewels falling in the sky; the explosions echoing through the mountains; the finale with so many red, blue, purple, and dozens of other colors popping that each one lit the patterns of the smoke left by the last ones. I haven't had a 4th like that since I was a kid.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
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